No one should be tossing around medical diagnosis. I’ve been fairly surprised by the amount of unwell partners (usually extremely codependent and controlling) who diagnose their partner. I’m not saying that partners can’t be accurate (bpd is such a specific mental illness). I’m saying that some of the partners are extremely sick themselves and have no business assigning blame and a medical diagnoses on a partner. This addresses BPD diagnosis by partner and the ethics of partner diagnosis.
If you believe your partner suffers from bpd and/ or you want a divorce because they refuse treatment my advice would be to get a therapist involved. If someone wants a divorce because of toxic behaviors then the relationship is already over. That’s another thing most pwbpd and codependents refuse to face. When a relationship reaches a boiling point of toxicity it’s time to end it. Those of you who stay for years or decades while trying to convince yourselves it’s devotion, love, and somehow a virtue are completely in denial codependent addicts. Here’s the thing, if you do not know how to create healthy boundaries and enforce those boundaries right from the start then the relationship is doomed to fail. Tragically codependents wouldn’t know a boundary if it bit them on their ass while borderlines kick, cry, and scream the moment anyone attempts to enforce/ create boundaries. That’s why all these relationships are so toxic: it’s pure enmeshed addiction, no boundaries, dependency, and a lack of any healthy relationship dynamics that could’ve created stability. This highlights BPD and relationship toxicity, BPD and codependent relationships, and BPD and boundary issues.
Now, let’s be honest about bpd for a minute. Most people that do suffer from bpd can’t see it nor are they willing to get help. If you don’t believe me then look in the DSM and you’ll see that bpd is classified as highly treatment resistant. Even pwbpd damn near make treating them impossible because they are defiant, see themselves as victims, and cannot follow through on anything. If you are married and your partner suspects that you suffer a major mental illness so much that they want a divorce because you won’t get help tells me there’s some serious toxic abuse and dysfunction in that marriage. Why wouldn’t you be willing to get diagnosed or to speak to someone professionally to determine what part you play in all the toxicity. Regardless of the outcome of the marriage you’ll at least be able to see your own issues and address them so you can be a happier/ healthier person. This describes BPD treatment resistance, BPD and denial, and BPD and relationship sabotage.
In 3 years of trying to help treat borderlines I’ve never once met one who got better because of being forced into an ultimatum of getting treatment or losing the relationship. I’ve seen codependents enforce that ultimatum far too often and it only leads to resentment. If the pwbpd comes to treatment it’s out of fear and they will either not take the therapy serious, they might sabotage the treatment, or they will simply stop coming after a couple sessions and usually confabulate a story about the therapist being evil, how they don’t listen, how the treatment is destructive (bpd is a massive mental illness, it’s not a little thing). If you have bpd and you really want to recover it must be your choice. You must want to heal for yourself otherwise treatment is just a waste of everyone’s time. This illustrates BPD ultimatums, BPD and resentment, and BPD treatment challenges.
Look, regardless of the reasons. If someone says they want a divorce then the relationship has reached its end. As I said early, both codependents and borderlines are so terrible at having boundaries they wouldn’t know one if it was staring them in the face. Most these relationships are so so so so so so so so so toxic and sad. Both partners are these out of control addicts who feed off each other and constantly project. Usually it will turn into the on again off again (breakup one week, back together the next) phase that can last for years. I’ll never understand how someone can reach that level of unhealthy dysfunction and simply lack the backbone to say “this relationship is toxic and I want out.” When you can realize how crazy things have gotten you’ll be able to take action to change. If you can’t take action then simply reach out for help. Codependents can attend free coda 12 step recovery groups online or in person. A borderline can get themselves into DBT therapy. The honest truth is both partners in these relationships are sick. You’ll have the abuser who acts out and then the codependent enabler who keeps tolerating abuse and dysfunction. Both need help otherwise nothing will change. This highlights BPD and enabling, BPD and relationship cycles, and codependency and enabling behaviors.
To find help, consider resources such as DBT for BPD relationships, CoDA for codependent partners, couples therapy for BPD relationships, or individual therapy for BPD partners. You can also find online support groups for partners of individuals with BPD, or find a therapist specializing in BPD relationships. Remember, healing from trauma in BPD relationships is possible with the right support and commitment to personal responsibility in BPD relationships.
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